SILVIO BERLUSCONI

In many ways, the former Italian premier is a natural fit for the music biz. He’s got Cowell’s teeth’n’tan, and his infamous ‘bunga bunga’ parties suggest a nascent hip-hop sensibility at work. It’s little surprise, then, that the cruise ship singer turned national embarrassment has actually committed notes to wax, mainly in collaboration with Naples-based Mariano Apicella. The pair’s first release was 2003’s ‘Meglio ‘Na Canzone’, and the industrious duo have turned out a slew of CDs since. However, those who want to hear Berlusconi’s latest material will have to wait: his True Love album was originally due in September, but arrived late due to Italy’s economic and political crisis. Which, as excuses go, definitely trumps ‘creative differences’.

NAOMI CAMPBELL

A mixture of human decency and professionalism normally prevents FACT from remorselessly savaging any fledgling musician. That said, most of your half-baked bedroom producers haven’t hoarded blood diamonds or assaulted an employee, so we’re happy to go in for some real talk in this instance. Campbell’s 1994 LP babywoman is about as despicable a vanity project as you can imagine; production from PM Dawn and Youth can’t hide the fact that the supermodel’s got some seriously wonky pipes. Like some malfunctioning parallel universe Sade, she flits from slinky pop to Texas-esque soft-rock. From start to finish, Campbell coos and croons with all the grace of a narwhal with a mouth ulcer. Putting a toilet on your front cover isn’t necessarily a bad omen, but in this case, a picture is worth a thousand words.

JOHN BARNES

“There’s only one way to beat them – get round the back.” John Barnes saw off stiff competition from heavyweight MCs Peter Beardsley, Paul Gascoigne and Chris Waddle to land the starring rap role in England and New Order’s 1990 single ‘World In Motion’. Of course this wasn’t Barnes’ first foray into ham-fisted hip-hop parody: two years previously he contributed to Liverpool’s ‘Anfield Rap’, struggling manfully to rhyme “Barnes” with “bananas”. Also featuring the likes of Bruce Grobelaar, John Aldridge, Alan Hansen, Kenny Dalglish, ‘Anfield Rap’ is basically the Kop equivalent of Wu-Tang’s ‘Triumph’.

SAMANTHA FOX

Now granted, Samantha Fox has enjoyed a music career that spans a good few decades – it’s lasted longer than the glamour modelling that she originally made her name with, in fact – but come debut single ‘Touch Me (I Want Your Body)’ the consensus, presumably, was that the UK pin-up would fall flat on her face. Consensus was wrong – not only is ‘Touch Me’ an all-time belter, it hit number one in 17 countries. And for those of you doubting Sam’s cred, later single ‘(Hurt Me, Hurt Me) But the Pants Stay On’ was remixed by acid house pioneer DJ Pierre.

HUGH LAURIE

Hugh Laurie: a funny man (Blackadder), a very rich man (House), and er, a very good musician? Better believe it: Laurie’s heart-felt 2011 album Let Them Talk puts other would be actors-turned-musicians to shame. In interviews given at the time, Laurie claimed that he always had rather been a musician than an actor – still, that whole highest-paid-man-on-television thing’s not a bad second prize, eh?

RYAN GOSLING

Not content with being a Hollywood A-lister and one of the world’s most desired men, Ryan Gosling also fronts a band called Dead Man’s Bones. Their brand of weedy, faintly gothic indie-rock is surprisingly tolerable, especially given their frequent recourse to the words “doo-be-doo”.

ANDY COLE

Andy (sorry, Andrew) Cole remains an oddly unpopular footballer – he scored goals at a rate that few others could, but never had much of an international career, and never really appears on any sort of Greatest Ever lists. Well, Andy (sorry, Andrew) – here’s your redemption. Unfortunately, it doesn’t regard your football; instead you’re in the dock for this shocking cover of the Gap Band’s 1982 corker ‘Outstanding’. Hang your head.

JASON STATHAM

Wiley’s 2011 Creating a Buzz mixtape was an excellent release, but far more importantly, it featured the Godfather of Grime duetting with two of the UK’s most consistently funny characters. Well, duetting’s stretching the truth – phone-pushing England and Chelsea footballer Ashley Cole appears on two tracks to remind the world that he’s a) got an incredibly annoying voice, and b) is an incredibly annoying person (though perhaps not quite as annoying as giant-headed pop MC Chipmunk, who he bigs up), while Jason Statham arrives in full on Transporter mode, ordering Wiley to “transport some mixtapes, for fack’s sake”. Utterly brilliant.

WILLIAM SHATNER

It’s easy to knock WIlliam Shatner’s recording career, but he’s actually – whisper it – often quite a rewarding artist. His sense of humour and open-mindedness push him far closer to the likes of R Stevie Moore than, say, Jared Leto. Shatner’s 1968 LP The Transformed Man offers some wonderfully entertaining takes on originals by The Beatles and Bob Dylan, all intoned in Shatner’s beatnik cant. His latest LP, meanwhile, was 2011’s Seeking Major Tom, featuring exclusively space-themed songs (‘Walking On The Moon’, ‘Space Cowboy’, etc.). For the purposes of this selection, we’re plumping for his weirdest transmission of all, his Shakespeare-meets-Salt-N-Pepa collaboration from 1998’s Free Enterprise movie.